Saturday, 11 April 2009

  • crazed

    Abbie called this morning to say she wanted to come for Easter.  Both the girls insisted on going with Dean to pick her up and so suddenly I have an hour or two of guilt free time to myself.  I'm stunned.  I don't think this has ever happened before.  Ever.  I can't decide if I should:
    sort the Frontier order
    assemble the Easter baskets
    go shopping for Easter treats for Abbie
    sweep and mop the kitchen
    clean the playroom
    vacuum the living room
    make smoothie pops
    do the taxes
    nap
    sit on the couch and read a book
    watch the netflix I got a week ago
    pack for our trip

    I'm sure if I kept thinking there would be more!  So what I'm doing instead of all that is blogging.  ha! 

    Here are some of the things we've done lately:
    squeezin
     
    queasy bake oven mud cake bakin'
     
    quesy bake dog bones in "blood" eatin'

    hikin'

    paper dyin'

    mixin crazy stuff

    dancin'

    mixin'

    partyin'
     
    lovin'
     
    and chillin'
     

    Thanks for visiting!  Sorry I'm such the turtle paced blogger.  love peace and light!

Monday, 19 January 2009

  • tree of happiness award

    Jean from Heart Rockin' Family gave me a tree of happiness award.  You can see it over there on the right.  Doesn't it look happy?      So I'm supposed to write six things that make me happy and then tag other folks to do the same.  I have to limit it to six?  Man, that's tough.  To help me focus, I think I will go with a modified theme of six things you can fit on a pinhead that make me happy.  Now I can begin to get my brain around it.  Let's see. 
    1)  Freckles.  Yes indeed.  I visited Jean recently and let me just say, her family's faces made me very, very happy.
    2)  Snowflakes.  Can you believe them?  I mean, no two are alike?  That has to be untrue.  Think of the history of snowflakes.  There must have been at least one repeat!  I think Mythbusters should investigate.
    3)  Sand.  Oooh, that's a good one.  Sand is awesome.  I love to get my feet buried in cool sand on a hot day.  Or warm sand on a cool day.  Sand castles rock.  Beaches.  The idea of the amount of individual sand grains out there.  Something about bounty just tickles me.
    4)  Pinhead.  The word itself makes me happy.  huh huh huh, pinhead.
    5)  Rods and Cones.  Truly a happifying thing if ever there was one. 
    6)  Bifidobacterium.  Really, they do.

    I just have to add one thing.  Selena has the greatest laugh.  She has been enjoying making me laugh lately and when she does her laugh this one particular way it sends me in fits.  It's kind of like Jerry's laugh on Tom and Jerry...  quick and low and... kinda like Woody Woodpecker...  and it kills me.  I love it and I've been wanting an excuse to mention it here.

    So, I'm tagging people/blogs that make me happy:
    Jill, because I was so happy to meet her and am always happy seeing her blog,
    Ellen, who I know reads my blog (since she leaves me comments) and because I think she should start a blog of her own, it would probably make people everywhere happier (no pressure though!),
    sloggy, who recently commented and I'd like to read more from her,
    Dayna, because she's awesome and I wish I knew her better,
    Nancy, because I love her blog and I'm always happy when I read it, and
    Galavanter, who recently was really helpful to me on the phone and I want to say, HI!!  And thanks.  :)
     

Thursday, 15 January 2009

  • freedom in school

    Recently there was a discussion on my family's website.  My nephew had posted that he was on the debate team at his high school and he was occasionally required to debate the opposite point of view to the one he holds.  One example he gave was why high school students should not have freedom in school.  Apparently he won that one.  I think that's great.  It's always fun to debate and play devil's advocate; it's fun to be persuasive and to really get into a different perspective.  Plus, he's my nephew and there's that pride thing. 

    One of my nieces, his cousin, said something to the effect that there isn't much of an argument for why students should not have freedom in school. 

    Freedom in school.  It cracks me up.  Well, freedom in high school does anyway.  Freedom to...?  What?  Leave?  Speak?  Eat?  Pee?  Laugh?  Learn?  Oh, I see, freedom to choose between American History and World History (from an American perspective).  No there's not much of an argument when there already is no freedom in school.  I agree.  It's interesting how self-evident truths, written into our constitution and protected with the lives of thousands of men and women, can be suspended for the cause of public education. 

    I'm remembering now my decision to reduce the level of complaining going on in my head and focus more on what I want instead of what I don't want.  So, let me live freely, learn when and how I want to, be human, pee; and let my children too. 

Thursday, 01 January 2009

  • chicken soup or ice cream?

      A while back I caught pictures of the girls eating ice cream cones and chicken soup at the same time.  I seem to come across many discussions in the unschooling lists about food and what our kids eat.  Lots of parents have trouble trusting that their kids will still eat a variety of nourishing foods if they let them have the ice cream and cookies whenever they want. 

    Sometimes the girls eat ice cream first thing in the morning.  Sometimes a couple times in one day.  Often they eat less than half of what they ask for and we throw away the leftovers.  Or another one of us might share it...  But when there are many choices available to them they do inevitably choose something I consider "more" nourishing.  Dean makes awesome chicken soup with organic broth and natural chicken, sometimes we'll make our own bone broth from a farm fresh organic chicken we bake the day before.  We add carrots and spaghetti squash and none of us can resist it.  So here is an example where I think they asked for ice cream before I realized they were hungry so I just set bowls of soup down next to them and they ended up choosing to have some of that too.  I have the same photo of Nena that I hope to upload soon.

Thursday, 06 November 2008

  • "What I like best about you."

    A while back Selena and I were headed upstairs to bed and she asked me to stop.  She put her hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes and said, "Mom, do you want to know what I like best about you?"  And I, of course, happily said yes.  And then she began an incredible list of things beyond her years that brought me tears of joy.  I thought she was going to say my nose or my ears or something.  But instead she said, and I'm not going to be able to quote it in full of course but I stamped the moment in my brain as it was happening so it will be close, she said:

    "What I like best about you is that you listen to me and that you try to keep me and Sam from fighting, and that you say 'Let's wrestle,' to me when you know I need you to and that you try not to get mad at me, and I really think you need to work on that more, mom, OK?, just don't get mad at me because I'm just not that meaningfulish, and what else I really like is that you really liked my painting I made, see this one right here, where the red is the land and the blue is the water and the yellow is the sun and this little green spot over here is the lily pad and how you really liked how it looked, and I really like how you got me two guinea pigs instead of one when I wanted one and how you listen and we have fu    n and stuff and what I really like most is that you help me and Sam.  I love you mom."

    Oh, my gosh, I remember in the middle of it thinking, remember this, remember this, this is your life, now.  Be here, always.  I know I've forgotten parts of it, and I can't relate how long it took her to say it all, or how she pauses and thinks and kind of licks her lips, and the way she nods her head and all the other beautiful details.    

Wednesday, 05 November 2008

  • I'm awake!

    Samantha infuses so much excitement and joy in our lives I sometimes wonder if she's Divine.  She routinely says things like, "I'm so happy!  Are you happy?"  "I LOVE ____!" and my recent favorite, "I'm awake!"  It's said with complete joy and delight; she can't get over it.  And although she sometimes seems to have come without a volume knob, it never bothers me, even with my noise issues.  Her volume is voluminous, luminous, exuberant, and utterly and thoroughly infectious. 

    This morning she was a little grumpy, but only because we weren't out of bed yet (5:00 AM!!).  When she wakes up it's as if she regrets having slept sometimes; she can't think of having missed a moment to LIVE.  As soon as I acquiesced, "OK, let's get up,"  she was elated.  "OK!! Let's go downstairs!  I'm AWAKE!  I want my shoes!"  And I'm not exaggerating the exclamation points at all.

    Good golly I do LOVE her.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

  • toy joy

    I didn't time it but we spent an hour or so in the toy aisle at BJ's (like Costco or Sam's) Monday evening.  The girls were both ready to go before I was.  It seems that once I got into the right frame of mind I could really enjoy checking out all the cool stuff.  We played with everything that caught someone's eye.  They both loved the Fur Real dog that rolls over.  Selena gasped in awe at the Disney Princess vanity and stared at all the different high heels in the Disney six pack they had.  Sam focused on the cars and the toy cash register.  She loves to push buttons.

    I had talked with Selena before we went in, "There will be all kinds of cool stuff to look at and we can spend as much time as you want looking at everything.  We don't have to feel rushed or like we need to buy it all in order to enjoy it."  I asked her if she needed to spend some money and suggested $20. 

    I almost pushed the cart right by the aisle and I'm really glad I didn't.  At the moment we were about to pass it they were occupied and I felt that rush of anxiety I get.  I overcame it though and we ended up having a great time.  Selena first wanted the littlest pet set, and then the zippy cars, but she ended up getting a really cool kit of moon sand stuff.  Sam still isn't aware of the buying stage of all this.  She wants stuff but then transfers all that desire to the next thing she sees and never really picks one thing.  They seemed willing enough to enjoy a single toy together.  And they've both had tons of fun playing with the moon sand.  It makes a mess but the cleanup isn't so bad (consider that we play with flour a lot already). 

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

  • 4 yo's should go to toy stores often

    Yesterday I took the girls to Target to buy a birthday gift for a friend and to look for some Halloween decorations.  Before we went in I was sure to specify that was the plan.  We got snacks and a drink and the cool push cart with the big kid seats.   We first stopped in the art supplies to look for paint.  Everything was going well and then they wanted to get out of their seats.  I think the first time I blinked there was a kit of crayons and markers in the cart.  Before we made it to the toy section there were three different packs of underwear, a huge Diego coloring book, a pair of baby booties, and a kit of crayons and markers in the cart.  Hmmmm.... 

    We went to the toy isle with the electronics first (I purposely avoided the parts of the toy section that would be more appealing to them, shouldn't be doing that I now realize) and though there were lots of requests for this or that, we found two cool gifts for our friend and headed to the Halloween section. 

    Gulp.

    So in went the candy corn, strange orange and _brown_ marshmallow food product,  vampire teeth lollypop, the 10 pound bag of dum dums, cookie cutters, and cupcake liners; all before we even made it 10 feet into the first isle!!! 

    Breathe in, breathe out.  I can do this. 

    There was no real rhyme or reason to what was going in.  I'll take this, and this, and this, and one of those, and yes, 10 pounds should be enough.  Samantha looked absolutely fabulous carrying a ten pound bag of dum dums.  It was half her size.  (it was probably only two pounds)  I really wish I could have bought them one of everything.  How glorious would a ten pound bag of dum dums be.  (I had just bought two seventy packs of yummy earth organic pops though, yay frontier co-op)  We managed to move on with just the candy corn and cookie cutters.

    After the candy isle I checked my vitals.  Yeah, my BP was kinda high, my chest was kinda tight.  Hello!  This should be fun.  They don't expect you to buy the whole store.  We can have a ton of fun without spending too much $$.  I reminded myself of the stories I'd read about unschoolers who take their kids to toy stores to do exactly this, spend hours and hours looking and wishing and playing. 

    I'm glad the next isle had all the decorations.  We pushed all the try me buttons     and watched the skeletons and skulls lose their eye balls and cackle and the pumpkins light up and all the moving things move.  I held Samantha up so she could touch the tiny witches and bats on those turning table decoration things.  Selena was mesmerized by the one with little ghosts going down a "slide" and a witch flying in circles around a chimney.  We looked at all the indoor decorations, and all the outdoor ones.  Decorations are expensive.  We got some cool LED bats though.

    Then came the costumes.  Selena wanted one of everything.  She was certain Samantha wanted to be a unicorn, then a pumpkin witch, then superman.  Then she absolutely *had* to have the Barbie Russian Princess costume.  I listened, and got excited, and pointed out the things I thought were cool.  I felt like I was doing an OK job...

    The "problem" was that the     seasonal stuff is right next to the toy section.  And not just any part of the toy section, the dolls, and the carriages, and the baby changing tables with the drawers and diapers and bottles galore. 

    Selena's requests were escalating.  I started feeling crazed and overwhelmed.  At some point I think I actually asked her, "Can you please just stop with all the asking!"  I was ready to decide never to bring her to the toy section again; Target would just have to wait until she was six or eight or ... twenty might be good.  I kept breathing though.

    That darned Barbie princess dress was $30 and I wasn't sure if we couldn't find something better second hand, it looked too big and not well made and itchy.  And she couldn't stop asking.  It was overwhelming to her too, I could tell.  She had already put a leapster ($70!!) in the cart and had grabbed a baby alive too and was refusing to leave until I bought the Barbie princess costume.  It's amazing how quickly this escalated.  Meanwhile Samantha had sat down on the floor and put her head on a big bird snufulupagus duo that was super soft and adorable.  I couldn't see how I was going to make it out of the store without spending a grand, at least, maybe two. 

    The best thing I could think of was to make a deal with her.  We could by the princess costume but that would be it this time.  We sat down together after I had asked her to stop all the asking.  (I couldn't think of anything better to say and it was the nicer of several options that had come to mind.)  Anyway, we sat down and I asked her if she thought we could buy everything in the store.  She looked around and slowly said, "Noooo..."  I said something understanding, I can't remember exactly what and then I decided to make the deal.  I really didn't like that silly princess costume.  I really wanted to talk her into something "better".  But I didn't.  I just said, "OK.  Let's get the costume if you really need it.  But it's kind of expensive so let's just get that this time and we can think about all the other stuff, would that be alright with you?"  And she vigorously nodded in agreement.  We spent a little more time looking at toys and playing.  Sam picked out a cool ark with little people for a birthday present; I so wanted to get that Big Bird for her too, and the puzzle she saw, and the leapster for Selena, and the microphone and keyboard and ....  Why can't we just play in     the toy store all the time?

    We headed for the bathroom to change Sam after checking out.  She immediately asked to wear her costume.
      "Of course, sure, here you go!" I said, handing it to her.   An older was woman standing nearby.
      "Is that for Halloween?" she asked.  Selena scowled at her ... I smiled.
      "Yep!  She can't wait to wear it!"  I said.  And to my great surprise that woman actually asked us why.  Why?  What do you mean, why?  She's four and she just bought the best princess costume on Earth, are you serious?  I kept my smile.
      "She simply cannot, she NEEDS to wear it now,"      I said.  I think this woman was totally confused by this. 
      "It looks big... is it even going to fit her?  What size is it?"  she asked.  And then when Selena came out of the bathroom stall with it on, she continued,  "Oh, yeah, it's way too long!  Be careful you don't trip."  Selena hid under the changing table.  Then the woman cautioned her,  "You're going to get hurt under there! You're going to bump your head!" 

    It was really strange meeting that woman.  Thinking back on it now, it feels like that exchange was a kind of QED, the last chapter in a compelling argument on living without fear, something I've been internalizing over the last year or so.  It was as if she was some kind of Scroogian moment, my negative thoughts with a voice in a parallel world...  All her doubts, her worries, her admonishments seemed so silly and small to me.  And now, writing about this, I can see that every single one of the things she verbalized is or has been a hidden fear of my own.  I shouldn't buy that costume for her, she already has too many, it's too big, she'll trip on it.  And this woman seemed so lonely and sad, lost and unable to hear well, hard and out of touch, small.  I felt sorry for her and clearly, very clearly, free from her judgment and free of those kind of concerns. 

    And thinking about the whole toy store experience, I have also realized what it is I wish I could have said to Selena, "Of course we're going to buy you something!  Don't worry, we have plenty of money to get you something you absolutely love.  Let's look and look and look until your heart's content.  Let's think of all the wonderful things you can do with all the wonderful toys.  Don't worry, we can come back again and again and again until you've seen every single toy and discovered how they all work and which ones you like best.  We can take our time!  There's absolutely no rush!  Let's breathe and relax and have fun!!!"  I'm sure it would have made saying that we only have money for a few things so much easier.  I'm sure that half the problem was her anxiety that there was so much to look at and not enough time or money or that she might not get another chance.  I realized that, just like candy, toys and toy stores can be a source of scarcity anxiety.  And she needs some binging.  Of course I can't buy everything she wants.  But I have the feeling that just spending lots of time there will make a huge difference. 

    I am going to think about a dollar amount we can affortd to spend and plan to take her to the toy store regularly from now on.  Maybe we'll go often over the next couple of months and then back off ...  We'll see what she needs.  I don't want to have to avoid going to stores with her.  How sad would that be?  I don't want to have to buy all the gifts on her behalf so that we avoid tantrums or whatever other "scary four year old behavior" I am worried about.  Her input on the gift for our friend was perfect.  It will be so much fun to shop with her without the scarcity anxiety. 

    I'm also noticing maybe there is an age for this ...  While I can make deals with Selena, it doesn't work quite the same with Samantha.  I can't really explain to her about how much things cost.  So I'll have to think about how to include her in our toy store adventures. 

    Maybe it would be great if I had someone to come along behind us and put all the things they add to the cart away when they're not looking.  I'm not sure that's exactly respectful though.  It seems like by the time we were done yesterday, Sam didn't remember the things she picked in haste at the beginning anymore, like the baby shoes that were too small for her anyway.  But I was feeling that if I reminded her about them, if she had seen them again, it would have been a problem.  So maybe it's reasonable to just put things back for a two year old?   But not so much for a four year old?  I guess I could try it and see.  Maybe half way through the store, pause and ask them to choose between a couple of things and see what happens. 

    Do stores mind if you put things in your cart and then don't buy them?  Do they mind if you leave them at the checkout on your way out?  I could see that being a nice solution.  Let them pick more things than you plan to buy and then find a spot to sort and choose when you're done.  I am concerned that retracing our route to put things back would create new interest and take a lot of time.  But again, I could try it and see. 

  • comments?

    I've noticed that some of my posts have gotten quite a few hits lately.  I also was told by my dear niece, hi Ln, that she wasn't sure if she could comment.  I just wanted folks to know that you can comment by clicking the "anonymous" choice above the box for text in the comment section.  It's kinda hard to see it there. 

Friday, 17 October 2008

  • can working parents unschool?

    It was recently pointed out to me that my situation might be quite unique in that Dean and I have managed to maintain attachment parenting and pursue radical unschooling while both of us are pretty much working/studying outside our home full time (40 hours a week, during normal business hours).  I've been meaning to write in more detail about how we make this happen.

    For those of you not so interested in how to do this, let me try to put it in a nutshell:  I do everything in my power to be there for my kids 100% when I'm not at work, including breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and connection-based, consensual, non-coercive parenting.  And when I'm at work they stay with, and are connected and attached to, an amazing, loving,  AP mama who home-schools her kids.

    The longer version:

    Selena, 4, and Samantha, 2 (the end of this month), stay with L, their caregiver, when I'm at work and Dean's at school.  L is mom to five from 4 months to 12 years; she home-schools, baby-wears, practices child-led weaning, co-sleeps, etc.   She's a former LLL and API leader.  Selena and Samantha love her dearly and she loves them just as much.  This is key.  Finding a caregiver who is willing and able to create a connection and attachment with your children is, in my opinion, the only way to maintain the atmosphere of respect and love that RU seeks to create.  We spent a great deal of time fostering this attachment when the girls started staying with her.  The details of this deserve a post unto themselves.

    L's bookshelves include John Holt and John Taylor Gatto and if her partner were on board with it, she'd be unschooling too.  Her home-school curriculum is very loose and she is flexible with her kids on when and what they learn.  She has basically offered to home-school Selena and I have a feeling she'd be open to unschooling her.  She used to take care of a boy who refused to do his home school work and she didn't force him...  His mom did it with him on weekends instead (he ended up later going to school because this proved too much for the mom).  But I don't plan to take her up on that offer anyway.  

    L is fun, interesting, engaging, and above all, she loves taking care of kids.  It's her calling.  I've learned as much about how to be respectful and loving as a parent/person from her as I have from unschooling lists and websites (largely because I can see her in action, and also because I had/have a lot to learn).  

    With my job, I can honestly create the atmosphere where Selena and Samantha feel as much control as possible over how they transition from Mom to L every day.  I do research and am somewhat independent in my work so that I don't get in trouble if I show up late, or, occasionally, not at all.  I call in, state my situation, say my plan and that's that.  In the beginning I spent a lot of time doing this.  I have options for working at home and making up hours when I need to.  Although I'm still sometimes "late" to work these days,     rarely do I need to skip work because the girls are just not willing/able to stay with L.

    I have a whole list in my head of the important ingredients for making the "daycare" thing work (temporarily) for a family embarking on the RU path.  On the top of my list is finding someone who respects your family's need to make sure the kids are attached and connected to them before you leave.  Selena and Samantha have an additional attachment figure in their lives.  Yet, every day it requires attention and guidance to make sure that they feel safe stepping away from me and toward L and back again.  Without this, all the other things on the list would be completely moot.   

    I found L by posting to our API yahoo list.  I think if I were to look for someone to help me again, I might ask the local RU yahoogroup moderator if I could post there.  I know one RU mom who used to take care of another child to supplement her family income.   So if you are looking for a way, maybe other unschoolers out there would help you. 

    I’ve been on the lookout for the gorging aspect of deschooling to show up for Selena or Samantha as a result of the limits at L's on things like candy and TV.  Samantha has never had any artificial limits on such things at our house.  Selena hasn't for over a year now.  They know that if they can't really have all they want at L's (of chocolate or ice cream, FE), they can when they get home.  So there doesn't seem to be much, if any, of the scarcity fear in them. 

    And other than the trips to and from L’s our coming and going requirements are scarce.  Excursions are otherwise largely consensual (sometimes the idea of the destination is nice but the drive there is unwanted, or we may get to a place and then have trouble getting home again; typical difficulties in any unschooling family).   They appear to be internalizing the sense of freedom that comes from choosing where they go and what they do.  It's as if they have enough options enough of the time.  When they are feeling opposed to the idea of going to L's, validation and acceptance are key.  Often we can move through this by discussing what will be happening at L's that day that they are looking forward to.  For Samantha, just naming the people at L's is enough to get her excited to go.

    They do need a lot of connection time with me every day.  This is completely expected and I make sure to plan for it.  I do a better job some days than others.  But for the most part, I do alright.  We sleep in the same bed and Samantha nurses a lot at night.  I'm still nursing Selena as well (not on demand).  I spend a lot of time playing with them, sitting with them, carrying them.  Occasionally I make a point of cleaning on the weekend but other than that, I manage to do just enough to keep us clothed and healthy.  Because I choose to work, I choose to devote all the rest of my time to them.  I am happy to be with them the remaining 128 hours of the week, for the most part.  Sometimes I really need extra sleep and Dean is there for that (Selena can manage to let me sleep for an additional hour after she wakes up sometimes).  Of course Dean is always involved and available when he's home, and he contributes a lot to the cooking and cleaning etc.  What I'm saying is that I don't try to find "me" time outside of work, I don't see/justify a need for it.

    We have a plan that one day things will be different.  Dean is in school full time, a dream of his that I'm committed to supporting (and one he feels very strongly about).  But he'll graduate in May and then his income will help to transition me out of work.  As I've evolved more and more into RU (it was never something I imagined before having kids) I have been able to see that maybe there was a way for me to not work and Dean to still pursue his dream.  And maybe I could have found a way to convince Dean of that.  But it's taken me this long to get to that point and since he's so close to graduating now, and the girls are doing well with the current setup, I'm OK with continuing as is.  

    I do feel like my current situation is a transition from peaceful, AP, parenting to radical unschooling and I hope that this post is valuable to families who have a genuine desire to practice respectful, non-coercive parenting while managing valid and challenging work loads.  It is possible.  It also requires lots of thinking and planning and searching for the right caregiver.  (Discussion is also helpful, though it’s incredibly difficult to find.)  

    I want to be clear in saying I don't think our situation is ideal long-term; but for us, right now, it's the closest to ideal I've managed to muster.  I think I'm the best RU care-giver/provider/collaborator that my kids could have.  I am really grateful and happy to be where I am though.  I'm glad for the process, the journey, and the vision of where we are going.  

living now

Play is the highest form of research. - Einstein

Jane B


I'm new to radical unschooling but am committed to letting my children be who they Are, free of expectation or restriction. I believe learning happens because we are human! And I think my job as a parent is to be interesting, and interested and supportive in whatever it is my children find fascinating.