Friday, 17 October 2008

• can working parents unschool?

  It was recently pointed out to me that my situation might be quite unique in that Dean and I have managed to maintain attachment parenting and pursue radical unschooling while both of us are pretty much working/studying outside our home full time (40 hours a week, during normal business hours).  I've been meaning to write in more detail about how we make this happen.
  
  For those of you not so interested in how to do this, let me try to put it in a nutshell:  I do everything in my power to be there for my kids 100% when I'm not at work, including breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and connection-based, consensual, non-coercive parenting.  And when I'm at work they stay with, and are connected and attached to, an amazing, loving,  AP mama who home-schools her kids.
  
  The longer version:
  
  Selena, 4, and Samantha, 2 (the end of this month), stay with L, their caregiver, when I'm at work and Dean's at school.  L is mom to five from 4 months to 12 years; she home-schools, baby-wears, practices child-led weaning, co-sleeps, etc.   She's a former LLL and API leader.  Selena and Samantha love her dearly and she loves them just as much.  This is key.  Finding a caregiver who is willing and able to create a connection and attachment with your children is, in my opinion, the only way to maintain the atmosphere of respect and love that RU seeks to create.  We spent a great deal of time fostering this attachment when the girls started staying with her.  The details of this deserve a post unto themselves.
  
  L's bookshelves include John Holt and John Taylor Gatto and if her partner were on board with it, she'd be unschooling too.  Her home-school curriculum is very loose and she is flexible with her kids on when and what they learn.  She has basically offered to home-school Selena and I have a feeling she'd be open to unschooling her.  She used to take care of a boy who refused to do his home school work and she didn't force him...  His mom did it with him on weekends instead (he ended up later going to school because this proved too much for the mom).  But I don't plan to take her up on that offer anyway.  
  
  L is fun, interesting, engaging, and above all, she loves taking care of kids.  It's her calling.  I've learned as much about how to be respectful and loving as a parent/person from her as I have from unschooling lists and websites (largely because I can see her in action, and also because I had/have a lot to learn).  
  
  With my job, I can honestly create the atmosphere where Selena and Samantha feel as much control as possible over how they transition from Mom to L every day.  I do research and am somewhat independent in my work so that I don't get in trouble if I show up late, or, occasionally, not at all.  I call in, state my situation, say my plan and that's that.  In the beginning I spent a lot of time doing this.  I have options for working at home and making up hours when I need to.  Although I'm still sometimes "late" to work these days, rarely do I need to skip work because the girls are just not willing/able to stay with L.
  
  I have a whole list in my head of the important ingredients for making the "daycare" thing work (temporarily) for a family embarking on the RU path.  On the top of my list is finding someone who respects your family's need to make sure the kids are attached and connected to them before you leave.  Selena and Samantha have an additional attachment figure in their lives.  Yet, every day it requires attention and guidance to make sure that they feel safe stepping away from me and toward L and back again.  Without this, all the other things on the list would be completely moot.   
  
  I found L by posting to our API yahoo list.  I think if I were to look for someone to help me again, I might ask the local RU yahoogroup moderator if I could post there.  I know one RU mom who used to take care of another child to supplement her family income.   So if you are looking for a way, maybe other unschoolers out there would help you. 
  
  I’ve been on the lookout for the gorging aspect of deschooling to show up for Selena or Samantha as a result of the limits at L's on things like candy and TV.  Samantha has never had any artificial limits on such things at our house.  Selena hasn't for over a year now.  They know that if they can't really have all they want at L's (of chocolate or ice cream, FE), they can when they get home.  So there doesn't seem to be much, if any, of the scarcity fear in them. 
  
  And other than the trips to and from L’s our coming and going requirements are scarce.  Excursions are otherwise largely consensual (sometimes the idea of the destination is nice but the drive there is unwanted, or we may get to a place and then have trouble getting home again; typical difficulties in any unschooling family).   They appear to be internalizing the sense of freedom that comes from choosing where they go and what they do.  It's as if they have enough options enough of the time.  When they are feeling opposed to the idea of going to L's, validation and acceptance are key.  Often we can move through this by discussing what will be happening at L's that day that they are looking forward to.  For Samantha, just naming the people at L's is enough to get her excited to go.
  
  They do need a lot of connection time with me every day.  This is completely expected and I make sure to plan for it.  I do a better job some days than others.  But for the most part, I do alright.  We sleep in the same bed and Samantha nurses a lot at night.  I'm still nursing Selena as well (not on demand).  I spend a lot of time playing with them, sitting with them, carrying them.  Occasionally I make a point of cleaning on the weekend but other than that, I manage to do just enough to keep us clothed and healthy.  Because I choose to work, I choose to devote all the rest of my time to them.  I am happy to be with them the remaining 128 hours of the week, for the most part.  Sometimes I really need extra sleep and Dean is there for that (Selena can manage to let me sleep for an additional hour after she wakes up sometimes).  Of course Dean is always involved and available when he's home, and he contributes a lot to the cooking and cleaning etc.  What I'm saying is that I don't try to find "me" time outside of work, I don't see/justify a need for it.
  
  We have a plan that one day things will be different.  Dean is in school full time, a dream of his that I'm committed to supporting (and one he feels very strongly about).  But he'll graduate in May and then his income will help to transition me out of work.  As I've evolved more and more into RU (it was never something I imagined before having kids) I have been able to see that maybe there was a way for me to not work and Dean to still pursue his dream.  And maybe I could have found a way to convince Dean of that.  But it's taken me this long to get to that point and since he's so close to graduating now, and the girls are doing well with the current setup, I'm OK with continuing as is.  
  
  I do feel like my current situation is a transition from peaceful, AP, parenting to radical unschooling and I hope that this post is valuable to families who have a genuine desire to practice respectful, non-coercive parenting while managing valid and challenging work loads.  It is possible.  It also requires lots of thinking and planning and searching for the right caregiver.  (Discussion is also helpful, though it’s incredibly difficult to find.)  
  
  I want to be clear in saying I don't think our situation is ideal long-term; but for us, right now, it's the closest to ideal I've managed to muster.  I think I'm the best RU care-giver/provider/collaborator that my kids could have.  I am really grateful and happy to be where I am though.  I'm glad for the process, the journey, and the vision of where we are going.  
  

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