Tuesday, 21 October 2008

• 4 yo's should go to toy stores often

  Yesterday I took the girls to Target to buy a birthday gift for a friend and to look for some Halloween decorations.  Before we went in I was sure to specify that was the plan.  We got snacks and a drink and the cool push cart with the big kid seats.   We first stopped in the art supplies to look for paint.  Everything was going well and then they wanted to get out of their seats.  I think the first time I blinked there was a kit of crayons and markers in the cart.  Before we made it to the toy section there were three different packs of underwear, a huge Diego coloring book, a pair of baby booties, and a kit of crayons and markers in the cart.  Hmmmm.... 
  
  We went to the toy isle with the electronics first (I purposely avoided the parts of the toy section that would be more appealing to them, shouldn't be doing that I now realize) and though there were lots of requests for this or that, we found two cool gifts for our friend and headed to the Halloween section. 
  
  Gulp.
  
  So in went the candy corn, strange orange and _brown_ marshmallow food product,  vampire teeth lollypop, the 10 pound bag of dum dums, cookie cutters, and cupcake liners; all before we even made it 10 feet into the first isle!!! 
  
  Breathe in, breathe out.  I can do this. 
  
  There was no real rhyme or reason to what was going in.  I'll take this, and this, and this, and one of those, and yes, 10 pounds should be enough.  Samantha looked absolutely fabulous carrying a ten pound bag of dum dums.  It was half her size.  (it was probably only two pounds)  I really wish I could have bought them one of everything.  How glorious would a ten pound bag of dum dums be.  (I had just bought two seventy packs of yummy earth organic pops though, yay frontier co-op)  We managed to move on with just the candy corn and cookie cutters.
  
  After the candy isle I checked my vitals.  Yeah, my BP was kinda high, my chest was kinda tight.  Hello!  This should be fun.  They don't expect you to buy the whole store.  We can have a ton of fun without spending too much $$.  I reminded myself of the stories I'd read about unschoolers who take their kids to toy stores to do exactly this, spend hours and hours looking and wishing and playing. 
  
  I'm glad the next isle had all the decorations.  We pushed all the try me buttons and watched the skeletons and skulls lose their eye balls and cackle and the pumpkins light up and all the moving things move.  I held Samantha up so she could touch the tiny witches and bats on those turning table decoration things.  Selena was mesmerized by the one with little ghosts going down a "slide" and a witch flying in circles around a chimney.  We looked at all the indoor decorations, and all the outdoor ones.  Decorations are expensive.  We got some cool LED bats though.
  
  Then came the costumes.  Selena wanted one of everything.  She was certain Samantha wanted to be a unicorn, then a pumpkin witch, then superman.  Then she absolutely *had* to have the Barbie Russian Princess costume.  I listened, and got excited, and pointed out the things I thought were cool.  I felt like I was doing an OK job...
  
  The "problem" was that the seasonal stuff is right next to the toy section.  And not just any part of the toy section, the dolls, and the carriages, and the baby changing tables with the drawers and diapers and bottles galore. 
  
  Selena's requests were escalating.  I started feeling crazed and overwhelmed.  At some point I think I actually asked her, "Can you please just stop with all the asking!"  I was ready to decide never to bring her to the toy section again; Target would just have to wait until she was six or eight or ... twenty might be good.  I kept breathing though.
  
  That darned Barbie princess dress was $30 and I wasn't sure if we couldn't find something better second hand, it looked too big and not well made and itchy.  And she couldn't stop asking.  It was overwhelming to her too, I could tell.  She had already put a leapster ($70!!) in the cart and had grabbed a baby alive too and was refusing to leave until I bought the Barbie princess costume.  It's amazing how quickly this escalated.  Meanwhile Samantha had sat down on the floor and put her head on a big bird snufulupagus duo that was super soft and adorable.  I couldn't see how I was going to make it out of the store without spending a grand, at least, maybe two. 
  
  The best thing I could think of was to make a deal with her.  We could by the princess costume but that would be it this time.  We sat down together after I had asked her to stop all the asking.  (I couldn't think of anything better to say and it was the nicer of several options that had come to mind.)  Anyway, we sat down and I asked her if she thought we could buy everything in the store.  She looked around and slowly said, "Noooo..."  I said something understanding, I can't remember exactly what and then I decided to make the deal.  I really didn't like that silly princess costume.  I really wanted to talk her into something "better".  But I didn't.  I just said, "OK.  Let's get the costume if you really need it.  But it's kind of expensive so let's just get that this time and we can think about all the other stuff, would that be alright with you?"  And she vigorously nodded in agreement.  We spent a little more time looking at toys and playing.  Sam picked out a cool ark with little people for a birthday present; I so wanted to get that Big Bird for her too, and the puzzle she saw, and the leapster for Selena, and the microphone and keyboard and ....  Why can't we just play in the toy store all the time?
  
  We headed for the bathroom to change Sam after checking out.  She immediately asked to wear her costume.
    "Of course, sure, here you go!" I said, handing it to her.   An older was woman standing nearby.
    "Is that for Halloween?" she asked.  Selena scowled at her ... I smiled.
    "Yep!  She can't wait to wear it!"  I said.  And to my great surprise that woman actually asked us why.  Why?  What do you mean, why?  She's four and she just bought the best princess costume on Earth, are you serious?  I kept my smile.
    "She simply cannot, she NEEDS to wear it now,"  I said.  I think this woman was totally confused by this. 
    "It looks big... is it even going to fit her?  What size is it?"  she asked.  And then when Selena came out of the bathroom stall with it on, she continued,  "Oh, yeah, it's way too long!  Be careful you don't trip."  Selena hid under the changing table.  Then the woman cautioned her,  "You're going to get hurt under there! You're going to bump your head!" 
  
  It was really strange meeting that woman.  Thinking back on it now, it feels like that exchange was a kind of QED, the last chapter in a compelling argument on living without fear, something I've been internalizing over the last year or so.  It was as if she was some kind of Scroogian moment, my negative thoughts with a voice in a parallel world...  All her doubts, her worries, her admonishments seemed so silly and small to me.  And now, writing about this, I can see that every single one of the things she verbalized is or has been a hidden fear of my own.  I shouldn't buy that costume for her, she already has too many, it's too big, she'll trip on it.  And this woman seemed so lonely and sad, lost and unable to hear well, hard and out of touch, small.  I felt sorry for her and clearly, very clearly, free from her judgment and free of those kind of concerns. 
  
  And thinking about the whole toy store experience, I have also realized what it is I wish I could have said to Selena, "Of course we're going to buy you something!  Don't worry, we have plenty of money to get you something you absolutely love.  Let's look and look and look until your heart's content.  Let's think of all the wonderful things you can do with all the wonderful toys.  Don't worry, we can come back again and again and again until you've seen every single toy and discovered how they all work and which ones you like best.  We can take our time!  There's absolutely no rush!  Let's breathe and relax and have fun!!!"  I'm sure it would have made saying that we only have money for a few things so much easier.  I'm sure that half the problem was her anxiety that there was so much to look at and not enough time or money or that she might not get another chance.  I realized that, just like candy, toys and toy stores can be a source of scarcity anxiety.  And she needs some binging.  Of course I can't buy everything she wants.  But I have the feeling that just spending lots of time there will make a huge difference. 
  
  I am going to think about a dollar amount we can affortd to spend and plan to take her to the toy store regularly from now on.  Maybe we'll go often over the next couple of months and then back off ...  We'll see what she needs.  I don't want to have to avoid going to stores with her.  How sad would that be?  I don't want to have to buy all the gifts on her behalf so that we avoid tantrums or whatever other "scary four year old behavior" I am worried about.  Her input on the gift for our friend was perfect.  It will be so much fun to shop with her without the scarcity anxiety. 
  
  I'm also noticing maybe there is an age for this ...  While I can make deals with Selena, it doesn't work quite the same with Samantha.  I can't really explain to her about how much things cost.  So I'll have to think about how to include her in our toy store adventures. 
  
  Maybe it would be great if I had someone to come along behind us and put all the things they add to the cart away when they're not looking.  I'm not sure that's exactly respectful though.  It seems like by the time we were done yesterday, Sam didn't remember the things she picked in haste at the beginning anymore, like the baby shoes that were too small for her anyway.  But I was feeling that if I reminded her about them, if she had seen them again, it would have been a problem.  So maybe it's reasonable to just put things back for a two year old?   But not so much for a four year old?  I guess I could try it and see.  Maybe half way through the store, pause and ask them to choose between a couple of things and see what happens. 
  
  Do stores mind if you put things in your cart and then don't buy them?  Do they mind if you leave them at the checkout on your way out?  I could see that being a nice solution.  Let them pick more things than you plan to buy and then find a spot to sort and choose when you're done.  I am concerned that retracing our route to put things back would create new interest and take a lot of time.  But again, I could try it and see. 
  
  

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